“Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.” (Proverbs 31:23)

A Misunderstood Verse?

This is perhaps the most misunderstood verse in the Proverbs 31 chapter.

Feminist adherents will often pick on this verse and question it, wondering what the man does all day except idling at the city gate and chatting precious hours away with other busybodies.

His wife on the other hand is very busy, as the Proverbs 31 passage reveals.

While we were in college, a lecturer of a friend of mine called her mother a doormat because, according to this lecturer, her mother was a Proverbs 31 Woman.

This level of misunderstanding of this verse took me back to the Scriptures to try and understand whether a woman who is emulating Proverbs 31 can be termed a doormat.

What do the Scriptures Show?

I hold the view and conviction that all scripture is God-breathed and hence true. I knew there must be something God was speaking to us through this particular verse.

I wanted to go deeper rather than look at it at face value.

Where else would I get understanding than find an event in the Bible where men were actually at a city gate?

I found such a scenario in the book of Ruth when Boaz needed to follow the right procedure in the hope that he would get to marry Ruth.

Before I share what you and I can do so that our husbands get respected, allow me to share with you my findings from this passage.

It was of interest to me to note that Boaz didn’t find men sitting at the town gate. When he arrived there, he sat down. When the man who had the right to marry Ruth came along, he invited him to sit down. (Ruth 4:1)

Perhaps if he was living in the era of mobile phones, he might have called the man to come.

Boaz then took ten of the town’s elders and told them to sit too. There’s even a version that says he called the elders. (Ruth 4:2) Nobody was actually at the town gate.

This causes me to conclude that the men only sat at the city gate (or were called to sit there) when a major decision needed to be made.

Because they were respectable men, I doubt any of them would have the time to just sit down at a town gate doing nothing.

Boaz himself had a farm to attend to with workers under him. How in the world would he go to the town gate to chat with his friends unless he had important business to attend to?

A Respectable Man

If a man was respected at the city gate, it was because he had earned that respect in the community. No community would give decision-making responsibility to a lazy man who had nothing to do.

As opposed therefore to popular opinion, this passage reveals a respectable man, whose household is running well and who can be entrusted with a leadership role.

Behind the scene of this man’s reputation is a stable support system that includes a wife of noble character such as the Proverbs 31 woman.

This wife brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. (Prov.31:12) I have dedicated an entire blog post to this verse which you can find here.

So, what can a wife do so that her husband is respected at the city gate?

Keep in mind that this verse was included in the Proverbs 31 passage because the quality of her husband’s life has a lot to do with a wife and how she will handle her husband.

1. Deliberately Pray for your Husband

As I write this, I can imagine you reading this and wondering in your mind, but I pray for my husband every day.

Well, are you deliberately praying for your husband? Are you praying; not the way you think but the way you understand to be the will of God to pray?

Might you be praying for him to fit the bill of what you imagine a husband should be like or as God wants him to be?

Do you search the Scriptures, for example, trusting God to show you how to pray for your husband?

I ask these questions, aware of the fact that as human beings, we gravitate towards selfishness. Our prayers can tend to be about what we want rather than what the will of God is as we pray.

Over the years, as a wife, I have identified some verses that relate to a husband in the Bible. I’ve made it a practice to pray them over my husband.

I have found that the surest way to pray the will of God for my husband is to pray the Scriptures back to God. When I pray the will of God, then I can be certain God is working in my husband, making him into the man he wants him to be.

I wrote this blog post here on how to pray for your husband effectively with applicable Scriptures. I trust it will be very helpful as well.

The kind of man who will be respected at the city gate will be used by God to impact his community for him. You’re trusting God for this kind of man as you pray for your husband. God will answer because this is his will.

2. Take Time to Study and Know your Husband

Our perfectly creative God never made all men the same. Men are different.

For instance, I cannot begin to handle my husband the way my mother handled my father; however beautiful their marriage is.

I know husbands who have resisted their wives because the wives were trying to fit their husbands into the mold of a respected mentor, pastor, or even father.

I need to prayerfully trust God to help me know my husband in a way that I would know how to handle him. I would even get to understand how he makes decisions. I should understand what makes him feel most respected.

In my culture, most women will serve their husbands food on a plate and hand it over to them specifically. We have been accustomed to knowing that this is one of the ways to show respect for a husband.

My husband on the other hand will often insist on serving his food. I let him serve himself. Does it mean I don’t respect him? I do respect my husband. He will however not necessarily feel respected because I serve him food. I have to find out what makes him feel respected then I can do it.

Studying and knowing a husband will help you know this. when I respect my husband as a wife, others will follow suit.

3. Affirm your Husband in his Leadership and Gifting

The husband is the God-ordained leader of his household.

The best a wife can do is support him in that role and rally the children and members of her household to submit to his leadership.

This could mean for instance that if she’s not in agreement with a decision he’s making but he feels it’s right for his family, she will submit to him as long as the decision is not taking her and the children away from the Lord.

She will affirm his leadership by spurring him on, helping him fulfill his mission in the Lord, and giving heartfelt praise and approval as he exercises his gifts.

She won’t be one to criticize his leadership. She will work towards bringing the best out of her husband and encouraging him to serve the Lord with his gifts.

4. Do your Part in Taking Care of the Children and the Home

Most women have a knack for detail.

A woman is mostly aware of what’s happening in each of the rooms of the house. She’s mostly able to remain in control.

Is it no wonder Proverbs 31:27 says that she watches over the affairs of her household?

My husband still struggles to remember where I keep certain items in the house. Sometimes an item he is looking for is right where he is and he can’t just “see” it.

A mother will know what to do in nurturing and ensuring all the children are taken care of and ready for bed at their sleeping time.

When a wife settles into the role of being a helper, when she handles details of her household that could take her husband a long time to do, she releases him to be more fruitful in thinking through and directing the family towards a bigger mission and purpose.

As a helper, my role is to provide a conducive environment for the purposes of God to thrive in and through my husband.

God is glorified as he accomplishes the purposes of God which include ministry to the community. What follows is respect, as it were, at the city gate.

5. Critique and Correct with Grace and Never in Public

The Proverbs talk about loud women.

This kind of women talk back at their husbands. It’s not uncommon to hear them correct their husbands in public.

I honestly think a man’s ego is very delicate. A wife especially can destroy it with bitter, rash, and foolish use of words.

You’ll find a man incapable of doing something he was even good at. Some cringe back in shame and fear, never attempting to “conquer their territory” because a wife pierced him with painful words and criticism.

Truth be said, we are helpers so we must tell our husbands the truth. We however have the wisdom from above as godly wives to offer constructive criticism in an environment where a husband feels safe.

A safe environment could be away from the children. it could be away from peers, and when he is in the right frame of mind to receive criticism.

There will even be times when learning from mistakes he is making because he wouldn’t heed your gentle correction might be the best medicine for a man. Be sure though, that he’ll respect you more for giving him room to act even when he fails.

6. Work on your Character as his Wife

The Proverbs are so real.

Take a look at these verses from Proverbs:

“…and a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.” (Prov.19:13b)

“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” (Prov.21:9)

“Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.” (Prov.21:19)

“A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.” (Prov.27:15-16)

When a wife has a dubious character such as the one described in the verses above, it is almost impossible for a husband to be respected in the community.

It’s worth noting that in the New Testament, a leader such as an elder or deacon has to manage his household well and his children are obedient as well. (Titus 1:6)

When a wife has questionable character, then it’s almost impossible for her husband to be respected in society.

This follows then that a wife must trust God to grow in character. She must prioritize spending time with God in His Word and prayer, trusting him to work in her as he makes her into the woman he wants her to be.

She must work towards being a godly woman as God enables her.

She then can be used by God to help her husband be a godly man who can be respected by others.

7. Take Care of Yourself

The Proverbs 31 woman is clothed in fine linen and purple. (Prov.31:22)

I have also written exclusively on this verse in this blog post here.

The Proverbs 31 woman must have been a woman who took care of herself.

I see a lot of content on social media about self-care. I trust it is not self-care that leads us towards selfishly taking care of ourselves. It must be the self-care that helps us to fruitfully care for and be a blessing to others.

All this is to say that for a husband to be respected at the city gate, his wife must also take care of herself both spiritually as in the point above, but also physically in looking good and respectable.

A shabby disheveled wife will in no way cause others to respect a husband. Her appearance alone can cause the community to lack trust in a man’s capability as a leader.

A disheveled state often speaks of a disheveled home. How then can a husband lead if his household is not under control?

A wife will hence foster respect for her husband when she can respect herself, taking care of herself both spiritually and physically.

It’s my prayer that these points shared above will be helpful as you trust God to be the kind of helper whose husband is respected at the city gate.

Recommended:

Why Rising up Early is Biblical: Tracking the Proverbs 31 Woman Series

7 Reasons Why you Need to Rise up Early: Tracking the Proverbs 31 Woman Series

7 Rhythms and Routines of the Noble Woman: Tracking the Proverbs 31 Woman Series

Are there Cracks in your Spiritual Foundation? 4 Reasons Why your Spiritual Foundation is Weak

6 Components of our Spiritual Foundation

5 Ways to Know that your Spiritual Foundation is Weak

How to Pray for your Husband in the Will of God