Choices Have Consequences

It has been said that choices have consequences.

This is a statement that reveals just how choices can have far-reaching effects on the person making the choice.

Future generations too can be affected by a choice, perhaps made on a whim by the one making the choice.

A Bible character, who made a seemingly insignificant decision to sell his birthright for a plate of food, comes to mind. (Gen. 25:29-34)

I don’t think Esau thought seriously about the implications of his choice until a strange turn of events saw him miss the blessing from his father as the firstborn son. (Gen. 27:38)

Listen to what the writer of Hebrews says about the man who despised his birthright:

“See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son. Afterward, as you know, when he wanted to inherit this blessing, he was rejected. He could bring about no change of mind, though he sought the blessing with tears.” (Heb. 12:16-17)

His life spiraled on a downward trend that included marrying Hittite women who were a source of grief to his parents. (Gen. 26:34-35)

To try and correct this, he married a third wife; Ishmael’s daughter. (Gen.28:8-9)

This brings into sharp focus just how critical of a matter it is that you and I make the right choices in life.

One of those choices that could have far-reaching effects is the choice of a marriage partner.

God says in Malachi 2:16 that he hates divorce.

If God hates divorce, then you want to ensure that the choice you make of a marriage partner is the right one.

God Provides a Way

In spite of our imperfections, God has provided a way for us to decipher his will in this pertinent matter.

We get hints and clues in the Holy Scriptures about what to do. After all, it is his will that we seek him diligently; with all our hearts.

As we seek him, we will know and understand what his will is. We will then be able to know how to navigate this challenging road of seeking a marriage partner in him.

Our Experience

I didn’t get married at the usual age most of the young women my age were getting married.

I wanted to get married early. I however got married 5 years later than my “perfect age” and the age most of my friends and agemates got married.

My husband waited for almost 10 years, marrying me almost a decade later than his agemates.

I’m hence not sharing these principles because it was bread and butter for us in knowing who to marry.

On the contrary, I’m sharing out of our experience waiting on God and serving him even when every cell in our bodies was screaming that we needed someone; a marriage partner.

We kept going even when concerned friends, relatives, and acquaintances wondered whether either of us, in our different contexts, would ever get married.

I’m hopeful you will come away from here edified, knowing what to look out for in finding the right marriage partner.

The Importance of God’s Word and Prayer

Before I get into the characteristics of the right potential marriage partner, I feel it is important to emphasize the need for the Word and prayer.

As simplistic as this looks, remaining in the Word and prayer, will be key as you seek to find the right partner for marriage.

A simple illustration comes to mind from the Scriptures.

Samuel the prophet had been sent by the Lord to anoint David king of Israel.

God hadn’t gone to the specifics of telling Samuel the name, or David’s position in the family.

The only clue was, the king would be one of Jesse’s sons.

Off the prophet went, armed with his horn of anointing oil.

As Jesse paraded his sons before the prophet, Samuel saw one who, from his outward appearance, looked like the one who would be the next king.

Shock of shocks! He wasn’t the one, nor was it any of those who came before Samuel. The future king wasn’t even there!

What did God whisper in the prophet’s ear? Listen:

“…The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1Sam. 16:7)

God also said that he had rejected the one Samuel thought would be king.

Needless to say, the marriage partner you are looking for will come from the Lord.

Proverbs, with reference to the wife, says this:

“Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.” (Prov. 19:14)

The reverse is also true. We can deduce this from the verse: A godly husband is from the Lord.

Proverbs 31:10 goes even further to ask:

“A wife of noble character who can find?”

This question presupposes that unless God leads you to the right woman for a wife, or the right man for a husband, if you go by your human wisdom and understanding, you will surely miss God’s best.

Pray. Ask God to lead you to the one he has ordained for you as a marriage partner.

Call on him. Cry out to him.

As you do this, be willing to wait for his time. Waiting is one of the scriptural ways of ensuring you do not miss the will of God.

This is why, as you wait, you will be able to also clarify whether it is his will for you to marry, or you are simply succumbing to the pressure of those around you to get married.

Having a firm Scriptural basis helps you to base your waiting on God’s Word which is dependable. This is because you are consistently feeding yourself on God’s Word as a custom.

Let’s now get to the characteristics of the right marriage partner in the Lord.

1. One who is Born Again

When you get to encounter Jesus Christ and his lordship, you will get to know why this point is very critical.

Amos wrote:

“Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3)

Being born again means having sought God’s forgiveness in repentance and having surrendered your life wholly to the Lord Jesus.

It means living for him alone. All you say, do and think is about him.

How then, will you marry one who has not surrendered their life to Jesus?

Won’t they pull you backward in your effort and focus to please the Lord Jesus Christ?

If you are a born-again Christian, please, do not marry one who is not born-again like you.

We have seen many casualties of those who’ve made this decision, mostly hastily, never experiencing all that God intended for them to experience.

The scriptures call a married couple partners.

Partners work together. They agree and forge forward as one united front to fulfill the purpose for which they got united in marriage in the first place.

Though Ecclesiastes 4:9, can be applied in various contexts, I’m certain that one of the best contexts is that of marriage. it says:

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:”

It will be very difficult to fulfill God’s purposes if you at least do not share the same faith.

Being saved or born again will help you limit your boundary as to whom to marry, helping you focus on only those who share your faith rather than everyone.

2. One who Shares your Values and Convictions

Once we have limited our focus to only trusting God for a marriage partner who is born again, you will be wise to trust God for one who shares your values and convictions.

According to the Google Dictionary, a conviction is a firmly held belief or opinion while values are principles or standards of behavior.

Having similar values and convictions will help you have a rich fruitful marriage because you agree generally on pertinent issues in life.

We have seen couples disagree on how to raise their children, whether a wife should stay at home and be with the children or not, how to handle relatives, whether to take loans or not, and such.

Usually, they haven’t taken the time to get to know each other’s convictions and the principles by which they make decisions in life.

Never assume that you will agree on everything in marriage. Actually, you will not. Make sure though that you agree on the issues that have the potential to breed conflict in the future.

Learn to listen between the lines. A conviction may leak as one talks. Capture what the other person is not necessarily saying but you can decipher the conviction driving their words and actions in saying what they are saying.

Never work with assumptions that you know them, or you will change them when you get married.

3. One Who Has Clarity of Their Mission

A potential marriage partner will be one who has clarity about what God has called them to do.

Jesus did not direct his command to go and make disciples to certain chosen ones in the church.

His will is that all those who are born again should make it their mission to make disciples.

This also presumes that God has called each of us to accomplish a particular purpose in his kingdom.

I know this because Ephesians 2:10 says that we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which he prepared in advance for us to do.

Going back to Ecclesiastes that we quoted earlier, and also Malachi 2:14 where God calls a married man and woman partners, knowing that a potential married partner knows their purpose and mission in the Lord will help you know how committed they are to live a full, productive, and fruitful life.

You can almost tell that you will accomplish a lot more together for the glory of God.

Keep in mind that marriage is not everything. Knowing and doing the will of God as you get to know him and live for him is what will bring the greatest joy and fulfillment in life.

Marriage can come to an end. Remember eternity awaits! Clarity therefore that a potential marriage partner is clear about their mission in the Lord will help you know that with or without each other, you will both live for what matters.

4. One who has an Accountability Structure Around Them

Our interaction with young people over the years has brought out to my husband and I the importance of this point.

Knowing a man’s heart, who they really are, and whether they are the right one for you is oftentimes very difficult to decipher.

God has provided a framework through which we can get to interact, fellowship with one another, and build each other up which includes rebuking and exhorting, as well as sharing our lives with one another.

We will find several references in the Bible about the importance of true Christian fellowship. For instance, Hebrews 10:24-25:

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

In 1Thess.2:8, Paul states that he and his companions loved the Thessalonians so much, not only sharing the Gospel with them, but their lives as well, because they had become so dear to them.

Lone ranging doesn’t belong to the body of Christ. Others in the body of Christ should be free to ask what’s going on in my life for example, in a bid to help me lead a godly life.

Any time a potential partner would say they don’t go to church nor do they engage in fellowship, that’s a red flag going up.

Being accountable is about humbly allowing others permission to help facilitate growth in your life in its various facets.

Accountability is about acknowledging that who you are is not just your effort as an individual. God is at work in you. He is also using others to shape you to be all that he wants you to be.

You want to keep away from a potential partner who doesn’t have some form of accountability structure, that will allow for both of you to have a stable God-honoring marriage in the context of the larger body of Christ.

5. One Who’s Teachable

I’m certain it pains your heart to see a tyrannical husband lead his family. It pains me too.

It is equally painful to watch how a disrespectful wife shamefully treats her husband in public.

At the root of both of these individuals is a lack of teachability.

Anyone who is unwilling to learn, aligning their lives to what they have learned will almost always want to do things their way.

They will demand that those around them do things their way too.

If you see signs of an unteachable potential marriage partner, kindly flee.

The telltale signs of this kind of a heart are often an overly critical spirit, rebellion against the established leadership of the church, refusal to change how they’ve always done things, especially when they are clearly against Scripture, and choosing not to be under any kind of accountability unless the accountability structure promotes their way of doing things.

It is said that love is blind. I have my reservations about this statement but even if this were true, the God who gives sight would give “eyes” to love. Lol!

This is the very reason that you want to take this point seriously.

An accountability structure allows others to see through a person as it were, to give you objective feedback on who they are, so you can make an informed decision about whether they can be a marriage partner or not.

A teachable person will always have a hunger for God and a desire to know him more. They’ll want to align to his will. After all, Jesus calls us into a relationship where we get to know him and his Father. (John 17:3)

6. One Who Has a Good Relationship with Others

It’s interesting to note that Paul, when directing Timothy in choosing an overseer, wrote that he should have a good reputation with outsiders. (1Tim.3:7)

In other words, even unbelievers should have something good to say about the person to be chosen.

We can borrow a leaf or two from this principle, considering that the marriage covenant is for life.

A potential marriage partner who doesn’t command a good name among his relatives, friends, the Church, and outsiders should be a no for you.

Just because a potential marriage partner treats you like royalty doesn’t mean you will be immune to his or her negative treatment once you are married.

Marriage has a mundane aspect to it that causes even the most exhilarating experiences to wane in intensity.

Once the excitement has died down, especially one such as planning a wedding, getting married, and being on honeymoon, one is bound to start experiencing the ordinary life of marriage.

Who tells you a person will keep treating you well unless they’ve learned to treat others well even before you came along?

Be careful that you look out for a potential partner who treats others well. Chances are, they’ll treat you well too.

7. One who is Maturing in their Relationship with God

Maturity shines through a person’s decision-making, how they work through a challenging situation and, or, transition, and their reactions to situations in terms of their character.

I would be wary of a person, for instance, who displays anger or even rage, for instance, at the slightest provocation.

 Some of these reactions reveal an immaturity in the faith that gives one some idea of how they would react in the face of trouble in marriage, or adversity.

One’s strength of character grows as they develop and grow in their relationship with God.

God causes them to mature to an extent that their maturity shines forth in the three areas I have especially mentioned.

They can be trusted to navigate their family through the unchartered waters of life.

A mature man can be trusted to nurture their family ad help them to grow in maturity as the leader of their home.

A mature woman can be relied upon to hold the fort at home even in challenging times because they have an unwavering trust in the Lord. A trust that can be relied upon because she’s learned to entrust the Lord with every aspect of her life.

This can only happen because both the man and the woman, are maturing in their relationship with God in his Word and prayer.

This is to say that if a potential partner is simply a nominal Christian, or one who engages in all the right religious activity without an evident growing fellowship with Jesus, he or she is not maturing in the faith.

Liken marrying such a person to marrying a child. Unthinkable, right?

Trust God for a partner with whom you will operate at the same level because you are both growing and maturing in the faith.

 

I trust these characteristics will help you know the right partner for marriage even as you look to God.